Guess how many women said yes to positive self-talk

On a beautiful spring day in Toronto, I had the opportunity to attend an event in a swanky downtown hotel with over 70 women. These women came from various backgrounds, but most were accomplished professionals and business owners who wanted to hear the lineup of empowering women speakers on topics that ranged from business advice, to confidently sharing your story. Plus there was networking and delicious food.

One presenter shared about the power of positive self talk.

She asked the group, “Who here talks positively to themselves?”

My hand shot up. And only one other woman. In a room of over 70 powerhouse individuals, only 2 talked positively to themselves. I was SHOCKED.

You see, I had only started the practice of positive self-talk several months before. Because I was 42, I assumed I was behind the times and this was something other people had already figured out much earlier in life.

What led me to realizing I needed to talk positively to myself was a journey of self-love. Recently separated from a bad marriage with an emotionally stunted man who was financially abusive and unwilling to meet the basic needs of a partnership, I knew I needed to improve my self-love so I would never attach myself to someone who was so wrong for me. And I could have a solid internal foundation to enter the dating scene again after 18+ years off the market (and before dating apps existed).

As I was meditating on self-love one evening, I recalled RuPaul’s quote:

“If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to love someone else?”

Now, I’ve been hearing RuPaul say that since the 90’s. I’ve been a huge fan of his from the moment I saw him on MTV performing his hit single Supermodel, and later smeared all over malls in the MAC Cosmetic Viva Glam campaign. And of course I watch Drag Race religiously.

But this time I really chewed on the meaning behind that quote and all the ways you love yourself that spill over into how you love someone else.

I thought; Certainly I care for myself and my wellbeing by making delicious nutritious meals, I keep my home clean and tidy, I exercise my body, get sunshine, drink water, I earn an income to support myself and my family, I maintain close relationships and family bonds, I think I’m amazingly talented and worthy of good things. These things all spilled over into how I treated my ex-husband and my children.

Then I thought; What are the ways I’ve been unloving to my ex-husband in the past? And I realized that sometimes I would be verbally critical a little too quickly. It would be little things, like maybe he’d pack the car trunk in an inefficient way and I’d quip with a snarky tone “Why’d you do it that way?” Or he’d leave the screen door open and I’d sigh loudly and shout irritated “Would you shut the screen door?! Bugs are going to get in!!” Or he’d forget an ingredient at the grocery story and I’d say “Ugh, now dinner is ruined!” and be flustered as I tried to figure out how to make my beef kababs without the cilantro he forgot (or whatever it was).

None of these were necessary comments. And often it was around things that didn’t really matter. Who cares how he packed the trunk or if the meal plans had to change? If I had given myself a few moments to pause before speaking, I might have uttered different words or – at the very least – changed my attitude and tone significantly.

Don’t think I was like this all the time. But if I wasn’t feeling top of my game – like maybe I was a little hungry or tired or had a bad day – I was more likely to have negative or exasperated comments flow freely from my mouth. The truth was, I’m a forgiving and understanding person who’s generally pretty easy going. It baffled me that these things automatically came out of my mouth when they weren’t how I wanted to behave. And a lot of times they weren’t even what I actually thought or felt when I gave myself pause to reassess whatever the situation was.

As I reflected on this, I thought; If I don’t like doing that, and it’s not really me, why does it just fly out of my mouth like that?

Then it hit me.

This was how I spoke to myself in my head. The things I said in my head when I perceived myself to f*ck up, was automatically gushing from my lips towards my spouse when he f*cked up. What was buzzing around inside my brain was accidently spilling out loud onto others. Especially when I wasn’t paying attention. I knew immediately, to love someone else meant I had to be loving to myself inside my mind. So that when I was a little off my game, I was still uttering kind, loving words towards those around me.

This led me to focus on positive self talk.

I started with praising myself heavily when I was doing tasks I didn’t like. Like when I washed the dishes – which I hated doing – instead of the usual internal dialogue of dread and complaining, I would say in my head “Look at you doing the dishes. I’m so proud of you for making sure future you has clean pots and pans to work with. You’re so amazing for doing this.” It was the same for cleaning the house, sitting down to a work task I was avoiding, answering emails… whatever I was doing, I would talk myself up and heap on the admiration.

When I made a mistake, I would quickly give myself words of encouragement and grace. I tried to consciously be aware of the times I would say something like “Why’d you do it like that?!” or “Ugh, you should have done xyz!!” or “You forgot the [blank] again?!”, etc. and reframe them into things like “You did it the best way at the time, and now you see a better way and that’s great! We can leave it as-is or change it up. No biggie.” or “There is no right or wrong way. You did it, and that’s what counts” or “I’m sure it will be fine.”, etc.

Thus my focus on positive self-talk began. Not just in the external actions I already did like self-care, or in the beliefs I held about myself like how fantastic or beautiful I am as a human being, but in the way I talked to myself in my head.

What are some of the ways you talk positively to yourself? I encourage you to start anywhere you can. Because it’s likely that the way you talk to yourself is leaking out onto those around you. And if it’s not kind and loving, you’re at risk of spreading that negativity onto others.